Improving Not Proving: Your Guide to Ditching the Validation Addiction

We need to talk. You know that exhausting hamster wheel you’ve been running on—the one where you’re constantly trying to prove your worth to everyone and their mother? Yeah, it’s time to hop off. Welcome to the revolutionary concept of “improving not proving,” where the goal isn’t to convince the world you’re amazing (spoiler alert: you already are), but to actually become the best version of yourself. No judgement from me because, for the longest time, I was totally addicted to other people’s opinions and validation. That is, until I discovered how to turn things around and that is what I am sharing with you today.

Here’s the thing that’ll blow your mind: science has officially confirmed what therapists have been telling us for years. Research shows that attempting to control achievement outcomes directly through extrinsic rewards, sanctions, and evaluations generally backfires, leading to lower-quality motivation according to Self-Determination Theory research published in Contemporary Educational Psychology. (Source)

When you’re stuck in “prove it” mode, you’re essentially running on what psychologists call extrinsic motivation—doing things for external rewards, approval, or to avoid punishment. It’s like being a trained seal, except less cute and way more stressful. Extrinsic motivation involves behavior that is influenced by external factors such as tangible rewards or verbal praise, and while it might get you moving initially, it’s about as sustainable as a chocolate teapot. (Source)

Meanwhile, intrinsic motivation—the good stuff—comes from internal satisfaction, personal interest, and the pure joy of growth. Decades of scientific research shows that intrinsic motivation is a powerful “engine” of learning and positive development. It’s like the difference between being pushed and being pulled toward your goals. (Source)

Before you roll your eyes and mutter “not another growth mindset article,” hear me out. Recent research has been diving deep into what actually makes this mindset shift work. Research has shown that when people have a growth mindset, they are more likely to challenge themselves, believe that they can achieve more, and become stronger, more resilient and creative problem solvers. (Source)

But here’s where it gets interesting: Individuals who believe that intelligence and ability are largely immutable (‘fixed mindset’) respond to failure by withdrawing, disengaging, or persisting with the same set of strategies despite their prior demonstrated ineffectiveness. Sound familiar? That’s the “proving” mindset in action—when you fail, you either give up or double down on the same failing strategies because admitting you need to improve feels too much like admitting you’re not good enough. (Source)

On the flip side, people with a growth mindset “often react to challenges by allocating more effort, experimenting with new approaches.” They’re in “improving” mode, and failure becomes data, not a death sentence to their ego. (Source)

Self-Determination Theory has identified three basic psychological needs that, when met, create the perfect storm for intrinsic motivation and genuine well-being. The findings have led to the postulate of three innate psychological needs–competence, autonomy, and relatedness–which when satisfied yield enhanced self-motivation and mental health. (Source)

Competence isn’t about being the best in the room (sorry, overachievers). It’s about feeling capable and effective in your actions. It’s the difference between needing to be perfect and knowing you can handle whatever comes your way.

Autonomy means you’re the CEO of your own life, not the unpaid intern to everyone else’s expectations. It’s making choices based on your values, not your need for approval.

Relatedness is about genuine connection—not the hollow validation you get from 47 LinkedIn likes on your humble-brag post, but real relationships where you’re valued for who you are, not what you achieve.

Step 1: Audit Your Motivation (Yes, It’s as Fun as It Sounds)

Take a brutally honest look at why you’re doing what you’re doing. Are you working late to impress your boss, or because you genuinely want to improve your skills? Are you posting that workout selfie to inspire others, or because you need the likes to feel good about yourself? No judgment here—we’ve all been there. But awareness is the first step to freedom.

Create two columns: “Things I do to prove myself” and “Things I do to improve myself.” You might be shocked at how lopsided this list gets.

Here’s a radical idea: what if success wasn’t about being better than others, but about being better than you were yesterday? The concept suggests that everyone has the potential to improve their skills and learn with the right training and support, which means your only real competition is your past self.

Start tracking progress, not perfection. Did you handle criticism better this week than last month? Did you learn something new? Did you take a risk that scared you? These are the metrics that actually matter for long-term growth.

Growth mindset refers to our core beliefs that we can develop talents and abilities through practice, which influences our thoughts and behavior. This means getting comfortable with being bad at things initially. Revolutionary, I know.

The next time you catch yourself avoiding something because you might not be immediately good at it, pause and ask: “What could I learn here?” Then do it anyway, with the understanding that sucking at something is the first step to being awesome at it.

This is where you stop outsourcing your sense of worth to other people’s opinions. Start developing what I like to call your “internal board of directors”—a set of values and standards that guide your decisions, regardless of what anyone else thinks.

Ask yourself: What kind of person do I want to be? What values matter to me? How do I want to show up in the world? Then use these answers as your North Star, not the approval of others.

Instead of hearing feedback as “you’re not good enough,” start hearing it as “here’s how you can get even better.” Failure isn’t evidence that you’re fundamentally flawed; it’s data about what doesn’t work and a stepping stone to what does.

Intrinsic motivation exposes organisms to novel situations and therefore occasions the development of diverse skills and competencies to cope with uncertain future situations. In other words, the stuff that challenges you today is building your capacity for tomorrow.

Surround yourself with people who celebrate your growth, not just your achievements. You know, the ones who are genuinely excited when you tell them about the new skill you’re learning, not just when you land the promotion.

These relationships provide the relatedness component that feeds intrinsic motivation. They’re your people—the ones who like you even when you’re figuring things out.

This isn’t just about feeling better (although you will); it’s about living better, creating better relationships, and building a life that’s actually sustainable.

When you’re operating from intrinsic motivation, you’re not dependent on external circumstances for your sense of worth. Health issues, job losses, relationship changes—they’re still challenging, but they don’t destroy your fundamental sense of self because your identity isn’t built on other people’s opinions.

Improving not proving isn’t about lowering your standards or becoming mediocre. It’s about raising your standards so high that other people’s approval becomes irrelevant compared to your own growth and integrity.

The research is clear: intrinsic motivation leads to better performance, greater resilience, and higher life satisfaction. But more importantly, it leads to a life where you’re the author of your own story, not just a character trying to get good reviews from the audience.

So here’s your challenge: for the next week, catch yourself every time you’re doing something to prove your worth rather than improve yourself. Then ask: “How can I flip this from proving to improving?”

Trust me, your future self—the one who’s too busy growing to worry about what everyone else thinks—will thank you.

Want to turn this “improving not proving” philosophy into daily practice?
The Truthbombs Life Journal is specifically designed to help you navigate this exact transformation. It’s not just another pretty journal—it’s a practical system that guides you through the steps we’ve outlined here, helping you identify your intrinsic motivations, track genuine progress, and build that internal compass that keeps you focused on growth over validation.

No fluff, no generic prompts about gratitude (though that’s nice too). Just straightforward tools to help you become internally motivated and authentically you. Because the world needs more people who are improving, not just proving. Get your copy HERE