Why We Self Sabotage and How To Fix it

Let’s talk about something we all do but rarely admit: we sabotage ourselves. Not in dramatic, movie-worthy ways, but in sneaky, everyday patterns that keep us stuck in mediocrity when we could be thriving. In this post I am going to be looking at self sabotage through the lens of Gay Hendricks book “The Big Leap”. The Big Leap is a mirror held up to our most frustrating habits, showing us exactly how we create our own glass ceilings.

Most of us are terrified of our own potential. We talk a big game about wanting success, happiness, and fulfillment, but when those things start showing up, we find creative ways to torpedo them. We pick fights with our partners right when things are going well. We procrastinate on the project that could change our career. We create drama where none existed. Sound familiar? This pattern is so common that research shows up to 70% of people experience imposter syndrome at some point in their lives—essentially feeling like frauds despite objective evidence of their success.

Hendricks calls this self-sabotage the “Upper Limit Problem”—our unconscious tendency to pull back when life gets too good. It’s like having an internal thermostat set to “comfortable misery” instead of “thriving.” And until we recognize this pattern, we’ll keep cycling through the same frustrations, wondering why we can’t seem to break through to the next level. Research confirms this tendency, showing positive relationships between fear of success, guilt over success, and self-sabotaging behaviors.

The core concept of “The Big Leap” revolves around what Hendricks identifies as the Upper Limit Problem. This isn’t about external obstacles or bad luck—it’s about the internal barriers we construct to keep ourselves from experiencing too much success, love, or happiness at once. Think of it like this: imagine you have an invisible thermostat in your mind set to a specific temperature of “okay-ness.” When your life starts heating up with success, joy, or love beyond your comfort zone, this thermostat kicks in to cool things down. It does this through worry, self-criticism, picking unnecessary fights, creating problems, or simply finding ways to feel bad about good things.

Real-life example: Sarah, a freelance designer, finally lands her dream client—a major brand that wants to work with her long-term. Instead of celebrating, she immediately starts worrying about whether she’s “good enough” for the project. She begins second-guessing every design choice, missing deadlines due to perfectionism, and eventually creates so much stress that she considers backing out of the contract entirely. Her upper limit was being “a small-time freelancer,” and when success exceeded that boundary, her internal thermostat kicked in to restore the familiar discomfort.

The Truthbombs and Tea Life Journal becomes invaluable here for tracking these patterns. When you start documenting your thoughts and reactions to life, love, relationships and yourself, you’ll begin to notice the subtle ways your mind tries to bring you back down to your “set point” of acceptable happiness.

Hendricks identifies four fundamental fears that create our upper limits. These aren’t surface-level anxieties—they’re deep, often unconscious beliefs that shape how much success and happiness we allow ourselves to experience.

1. Feeling Fundamentally Flawed
   
   This barrier stems from the belief that something is fundamentally wrong with you. It’s the voice that says, “If people really knew me, they wouldn’t love/hire/respect me.” This fear creates a constant state of waiting for the other shoe to drop, because surely someone who is fundamentally flawed doesn’t deserve sustained success or happiness. Studies on imposter syndrome show this manifests as “self-doubt of intellect, skills, or accomplishments among high-achieving individuals” who “cannot internalize their success.”
   
   Book example: Hendricks shares the story of a successful executive who would sabotage important presentations by “forgetting” key materials or arriving late. Despite his competence, his unconscious belief that he was fundamentally flawed meant he couldn’t allow himself to shine too brightly without creating some form of self-punishment.
   
   Practical application: Notice when you deflect compliments, downplay achievements, or automatically assume negative intentions from others. These are often signs that the “fundamentally flawed” barrier is operating in your life.
   
   
2. Disloyalty and Abandonment
   
   The second barrier involves the fear that if you become too successful or happy, you’ll leave others behind or be abandoned by them. This often stems from family dynamics where success was seen as threatening to relationships or where being “different” meant being rejected.
   
   Real-life example: Marcus grew up in a working-class family where his academic achievements were met with comments like “Don’t get too big for your boots” and “Remember where you came from.” When he got into law school, instead of celebrating, he felt guilty and anxious. He started failing classes not because he couldn’t handle the work, but because succeeding felt like betraying his family’s values and risking their rejection.
   
   Practical application: Are you keeping yourself small because those in your family or circle will see you differently? Will you feel too ‘different’ from the people you are loyal to? Will it feel somehow ‘disloyal’ to succeed where they haven’t?
   
   
3. Believing More Success Brings More Burden
   
   This barrier operates on the assumption that the more successful you become, the more problems you’ll have. It’s the “mo’ money, mo’ problems” mentality that keeps people playing small to avoid the imagined complications of a bigger life.
   
   Practical insight: People operating under this barrier often procrastinate on opportunities, avoid taking on leadership roles, or create artificial complexity in their lives. They unconsciously believe that growth equals suffering, so they stay small to stay safe.
   
   
4. The Crime Of Outshining
   
   Perhaps the most insidious barrier is the fear of outshining others, particularly family members or close friends. This fear says that your success diminishes others or that you don’t have the right to be more successful than those around you.
   
   Book insight: Hendricks describes clients who would literally make themselves sick before important presentations or negotiations because they were terrified of being “too much” for others to handle. Their unconscious solution was to diminish themselves to make others comfortable.
   
   Practical insight: Were you told in the past to stop being yourself because you were too much? Too bossy, too sensitive, too slow etc. What behaviours are you still doing as a result of this?
   
   Which of these (perhaps even more than one) do you recognise in your own life?
   
   

Due to these self sabotaging behaviours we are not operating at our peak level. Hendricks maps out four distinct zones that define how we operate in the world, each with its own characteristics and consequences. The Zone of Incompetence includes activities you’re simply not good at—things that drain your energy and produce poor results. The Zone of Competence contains tasks you can do adequately but that don’t particularly energize or fulfill you. The Zone of Excellence is where most successful people get stuck—activities you excel at and others recognize, but that ultimately feel routine or unfulfilling. Finally, the Zone of Genius represents your unique combination of talents and passions, where your greatest abilities intersect with what brings you deep satisfaction and energy.

Here’s where those four barriers become particularly insidious: they often trap us in the Zone of Competence or Excellence when we could be operating in our Zone of Genius. The “fundamentally flawed” barrier convinces us we don’t deserve to work in our areas of natural brilliance, so we stay safely competent at things that don’t require our full authentic self. The “disloyalty and abandonment” fear keeps us from outshining others by pursuing what truly lights us up.

The “more success brings more burden” belief makes us avoid the Zone of Genius because that’s where our greatest impact—and visibility—would be. And the fear of “outshining others” directly sabotages our willingness to step into our unique gifts because they might make others uncomfortable. The Zone of Excellence becomes a particularly seductive trap because it provides external validation and financial reward while keeping us safely below our actual potential—it’s the perfect hiding place from the vulnerability required to access our Zone of Genius.

Getting to your Zone of Genius isn’t just about personal fulfillment—it’s about maximizing your contribution to the world. When you operate in your Zone of Genius, you’re not just more energized and satisfied; you’re also more innovative, creative, and impactful. This is where breakthrough ideas emerge, where you solve problems others can’t, and where your work feels less like work and more like play.

The world needs what only you can provide in your Zone of Genius, and staying trapped in competence or excellence—no matter how comfortable or profitable—is ultimately a disservice to both yourself and everyone who could benefit from your unique gifts. Research on flow states shows that people perform at their highest levels when engaged in activities that match their skills with their passions—essentially describing the Zone of Genius experience.

Real-life example: Jennifer was a successful marketing manager who consistently received promotions and praise. She was definitely in her Zone of Excellence—competent, reliable, well-compensated. But she felt increasingly drained and uninspired. Through self-reflection, she realized her Zone of Genius was actually in creative strategy and storytelling. The transition was scary because it meant leaving behind guaranteed success for uncertain potential, but it was the only path to genuine fulfillment.

The trap: Many people use their Zone of Excellence as a hiding place from their Zone of Genius because the latter requires more vulnerability and risk. It’s easier to excel at something that doesn’t require your full authentic self than to risk failure in the area that truly matters to you.

1. The Einstein Time Shift
   
   Hendricks introduces the concept of “Einstein Time”—the idea that you can actually create more time by changing your relationship with it. Instead of feeling like time controls you, you start operating as if you control time.
   
   The shift: Instead of saying “I don’t have time,” try “I didn’t prioritize that” or “I chose to spend time on other things.” This subtle language change reveals that time management is really about choice management.
   
   Practical exercise: For one week, notice every time you say or think something about not having enough time. Then rephrase it in terms of choice. You’ll be amazed how this simple shift changes your relationship with productivity and priorities.
   
2. The Appreciation Practice
   
   When upper limit problems arise, Hendricks recommends flooding your system with appreciation. This isn’t toxic positivity—it’s a practical strategy for shifting your nervous system out of fear mode and into expansion mode.
   
   The practice: Spend two minutes appreciating yourself for something you’ve done well, then two minutes appreciating someone else, then two minutes appreciating something in your environment. This breaks the cycle of self-criticism and worry that often accompanies upper limit episodes.
   
3. Commitment Vs Interest
   
   Hendricks makes a crucial distinction between being interested in change and being committed to it. Interest allows for excuses and partial efforts. Commitment means you’ll figure out how to make it happen regardless of obstacles.
   
   The question: Are you interested in reaching your Zone of Genius, or are you committed to it? The answer determines whether you’ll consistently work through upper limit problems or keep cycling back to familiar patterns.
   

Reading about these concepts is one thing; integrating them into daily life is another. This is where tools like the Truthbombs and Tea Life Journal become essential. You need a consistent practice of self-observation to catch upper limit problems in real-time rather than analysing them after the damage is done.

Daily Practice suggestions:

Track your energy levels throughout the day and notice when they shift

Document moments when you hold back or make excuses

Pay attention to physical sensations, especially around opportunities or successes

Notice patterns in your worry topics and timing

Celebrate small wins without immediately creating problems

The Uncomfortable Truth About Growth

Here’s what “The Big Leap” really teaches us: growth isn’t comfortable, and comfort isn’t growth. The upper limit problems exist precisely because they worked at some point in our lives. Maybe playing small kept you safe in a chaotic family. Maybe worry helped you anticipate problems and avoid disappointment. Maybe staying in your Zone of Excellence provided the security you needed during uncertain times.

The challenge is that these old strategies become limitations when you’re ready to expand. What protected you in the past now restricts you in the present. And your unconscious mind doesn’t automatically update its programming just because your circumstances have changed.

The real work: Making the big leap isn’t about eliminating upper limit problems entirely—it’s about recognizing them quickly and choosing growth over comfort in those crucial moments when your internal thermostat wants to turn down the heat.

“The Big Leap” isn’t just a book to read—it’s a framework for recognizing and moving beyond the self-imposed limitations that keep you cycling through the same frustrations year after year. The question isn’t whether you’ll encounter upper limit problems (you will), but whether you’ll recognize them as opportunities for expansion rather than reasons to contract.

Start by identifying which of the four barriers resonates most strongly with your patterns. Then begin the daily practice of noticing when your upper limit thermostat kicks in. With consistent awareness and the right tools for tracking your patterns, you can finally stop being your own worst enemy and start being your own best advocate for the life you actually want to create.

The big leap isn’t a destination—it’s a practice. And like any worthwhile practice, it requires patience, persistence, and a willingness to be uncomfortable while you grow into the person capable of sustaining the success you say you want.