You Teach People How to Treat You: The Psychology Behind Setting Boundaries
#Truthbomb – Many people have very poor boundaries. They think other people should just know how to treat them. Like there’s some universal handbook everyone read except the jerks in their life. Spoiler alert—there isn’t. And those “jerks”? They’re probably not mind readers, just people operating with incomplete information.
Here’s the uncomfortable truth: when you set boundaries, you teach people how to treat you. Every time you say yes when you mean no, every time you accept behaviour that makes you uncomfortable, every time you fail to communicate your needs, you’re actively training the people around you. And then you act surprised when they continue doing exactly what you’ve tacitly approved.
The psychological research is crystal clear on this. Recent studies confirm that boundaries are expectations and needs that help one feel safe and comfortable in relationships, and more importantly, boundaries are also cues to others about how they should treat you. But here’s where it gets interesting—and where most emotional intelligence work falls apart in practice.
The Self-Worth Foundation You’re Probably Skipping
Before you can teach anyone how to treat you, you need to believe you’re worth treating well. I know, I know—this sounds like a cheesy Instagram post. But the research backs it up. The first thing that we need to do when we set healthy boundaries is to decide that we’re worthy of having them.
You know what’s fascinating? Many people get upset about how others treat them without realizing they were only treating them the way that they were treating themselves. If you talk to yourself like garbage, accept less than you deserve, and constantly put yourself last, guess what message you’re sending to everyone else? That you’re totally fine being treated like an afterthought.
The connection between emotional intelligence and boundary-setting starts with self-awareness—that ability to recognize your own emotions and understand how they influence your behaviour. People with strong self-awareness are more likely to notice when their mood shifts toward anxiety, sadness, or frustration, which means they can catch boundary violations before resentment builds into a relationship-ending explosion.
The Communication Gap That’s Screwing You Over
Here’s where most people fail miserably: they assume boundaries exist just because they’ve thought about them. Wrong. If you were the only one that knows what your boundaries are, and you haven’t communicated them to anyone else, then they don’t have a set of guidelines to work with you.
Think about it—you’re walking around with this entire rulebook in your head about what’s acceptable and what isn’t, but you’ve never actually told anyone what’s in it. Then you get mad when people violate rules they didn’t know existed. That’s not boundary-setting—that’s setting traps.
Recent research on assertiveness shows exactly why communication matters so much. Assertiveness is a balanced communication style that differs from passivity, which often leads to resentment and stress, and aggression, which can harm relationships. The sweet spot is expressing your needs clearly and respectfully—without the passive-aggressive sighing or the aggressive scorched-earth approach.
And here’s something that might make you uncomfortable: personal boundaries don’t have to be communicated for them to exist, but personal boundaries are more likely to be violated if we don’t communicate them. You can sit there all day feeling violated, or you can use your words like an adult.
The Assertiveness Training Evidence You’re Ignoring
The good news? This stuff is trainable. The psychological research on assertiveness training is robust—studies show that practicing assertive communication leads to significant psychological and social improvements. We’re talking measurable reductions in stress, anxiety, and depression, particularly among young adults who are still learning to navigate relationships.
A 2025 study found something remarkable: assertive people have a 12% higher chance of promotion. Why? Because people who communicate their needs, set clear boundaries, and stand up for themselves are seen as more confident and capable. They’re not pushovers, but they’re also not aggressive jerks. They’ve mastered the art of teaching people how to treat them—professionally and personally.
The latest framework for assertiveness breaks it down into four pathways: social assertiveness (speaking up), behavioural assertiveness (taking action), emotional assertiveness (embracing self-compassion), and mental assertiveness (accepting reality). This multidimensional approach recognizes that boundary-setting isn’t just about saying no—it’s about intentional behaviour across all aspects of your life.
The Emotional Intelligence Components You Need to Master
Let’s get practical. Emotional intelligence isn’t some fluffy concept—it’s the toolkit that makes boundary-setting actually work. Emotional intelligence consists of several core components, including self-awareness, empathy, emotion regulation, social skills, and assertiveness.
Self-awareness helps you identify when a boundary needs to be set before you’re drowning in resentment. Emotion regulation keeps you from either exploding in anger or collapsing into passive acceptance. Empathy—yes, empathy—helps you communicate boundaries in ways that maintain relationships rather than nuking them. And social skills? Those are what help you navigate the awkward conversations that come with boundary-setting.
Here’s what the research tells us about people with high emotional intelligence: they’re better at managing stress, they build stronger relationships, and they’re less vulnerable to anxiety and depression. Why? Because they’ve learned to set and maintain boundaries that protect their mental health without destroying their connections to others.
People with higher emotional intelligence are more likely to notice rising frustration, anxiety, or guilt and choose calm, clear ways to express needs. They’re not bottling things up until they explode or attacking everyone around them. They’re teaching people how to treat them through consistent, clear communication.
The Boundary Enforcement Reality Check
Setting boundaries is the easy part. Okay, it’s not easy, but it’s definitely easier than enforcing them. Because here’s the thing: people will test your boundaries. Not necessarily because they’re terrible humans, but because they want to see if you mean it.
When we are working with people and making sure that they treated us the way that we want to be treated, we need to enforce those boundaries. And enforcement doesn’t mean being a jerk about it—it means being consistent. That passive-aggressive parent who threatens consequences but never follows through? That’s not boundary enforcement. That’s teaching people that your boundaries are negotiable.
The process involves four steps: educate people about your boundaries, expect that some people will push back, enforce consistently, and evaluate whether the relationship can survive your boundaries. Because here’s the uncomfortable truth—some relationships exist solely because you haven’t had boundaries. When you start setting them, those relationships might not make it. And that’s not a failure—that’s a feature.
The Guilt Trap That Keeps You Stuck
Let’s address the elephant in the room: guilt. You’re going to feel guilty when you start setting boundaries, especially if you’ve been a people-pleaser your whole life. Guilt can be a signal that you’re stepping out of your comfort zone, not necessarily that you’re doing something wrong.
Your brain has been trained to prioritize everyone else’s comfort over your own. When you suddenly start saying no to unreasonable requests or speaking up about treatment you don’t like, it feels wrong. It feels selfish. It feels mean. But you know what’s actually mean? Resenting people for violating boundaries you never communicated while slowly building up enough resentment to nuke the relationship from orbit.
The research on assertiveness training shows something interesting: programs that include role-play, behavioural rehearsal, and cognitive restructuring help people overcome this guilt. Why? Because assertiveness training is grounded in cognitive-behavioural therapy, which teaches people to recognize and replace negative thoughts with more realistic beliefs. Like replacing “I’m being selfish” with “I’m protecting my well-being.”
Practical Tools: How to Actually Teach People
Enough theory. Let’s talk about what you can actually do, starting tomorrow, to teach people how to treat you.
Tool #1: The Clarity Practice
Stop using vague, apologetic language. Instead of “I’m just really busy right now, but maybe…” try “I can’t take on additional projects this week.” Period. No justification required. Those skilled in emotional intelligence communicate exactly where they stand. They don’t leave wiggle room for people to push harder.
Practice this in low-stakes situations first. The barista who keeps getting your order wrong. The friend who’s always 20 minutes late. Build your assertiveness muscles before you tackle the high-stakes conversations with your boss or your mother-in-law.
Tool #2: The Emotion Recognition System
Before you can set a boundary, you need to know one’s been violated. Start paying attention to your body’s signals. Tension in your shoulders? Jaw clenching? Stomach churning? These are your early warning systems telling you something’s wrong.
Self-awareness is linked to better emotional regulation, reduced stress, and overall psychological well-being. Create a daily check-in practice—morning and evening—where you assess your emotional state and identify any interactions that left you feeling uncomfortable, resentful, or drained.
Tool #3: The Script Method
Most people freeze when it’s time to set a boundary because they don’t know what to say. So prepare scripts. Not robotic, word-for-word scripts, but frameworks you can adapt:
- “I appreciate the invitation, but I need to decline. I’m protecting my energy right now.”
- “That comment doesn’t work for me. I need you to not speak to me that way.”
- “I’m available from X to Y time. Outside those hours, I won’t be responding to messages.”
Research on assertiveness training consistently includes role-play and behavioural rehearsal because practicing these conversations makes them easier when the moment arrives. You wouldn’t expect to nail a presentation without rehearsing—why would boundary-setting be any different?
Tool #4: The Consistency Commitment
Here’s where most boundary-setting efforts die: inconsistent enforcement. You set a boundary on Monday, enforce it on Tuesday, but let it slide on Wednesday because you’re tired or feeling guilty. Congratulations—you’ve just taught people that your boundaries are suggestions.
Clearly setting and maintaining your limits teaches others exactly how you expect to be treated. If your boundary is that you don’t answer work emails after 7 PM, then don’t answer work emails after 7 PM. Not even the “urgent” ones. Not even once. Because once becomes twice becomes “I knew you’d answer if I just kept trying.”
Tool #5: The Relationship Audit
Some relationships can’t survive boundaries. I know this is harsh, but it’s true. People who have benefited from your lack of boundaries won’t be thrilled when you start setting them. They’ll call you selfish, difficult, or changed. They’re right about the last part—you have changed. You’ve stopped accepting unacceptable behaviour.
Do a relationship audit. Who respects your boundaries when you set them? Who pushes back but eventually adjusts? Who completely ignores them? That last category? Those relationships need serious reconsideration. Research shows that family conflict can significantly impact mental health, especially for people with anxiety or trauma histories. Protect your peace, even if it means creating distance.
Tool #6: The Cognitive Reframe Practice
Your thoughts about boundary-setting directly influence your ability to set and maintain them. If you believe “good people don’t say no” or “I’m being mean by having standards,” you’re going to struggle. Time for some cognitive restructuring.
Write down your negative beliefs about boundaries. Then challenge them with evidence. “Good people don’t say no” becomes “good people protect their well-being so they can show up fully for others.” “I’m being mean” becomes “I’m being clear, which is actually more respectful than building resentment.”
Cognitive-behavioural therapy teaches people to recognize and replace negative thoughts with more realistic beliefs. This isn’t positive thinking nonsense—it’s based on decades of psychological research showing that our thoughts influence our emotions and behaviours.
Tool #7: The Progress Tracking System
Start small and track your wins. Did you decline an invitation without over-explaining? Win. Did you ask someone to stop interrupting you? Win. Did you leave a conversation that became disrespectful? Major win.
Boundary-setting is a skill that improves with practice. Programs focused on cognitive-behavioural assertiveness skills contribute to increased self-esteem and a greater sense of control over social situations. You won’t be perfect at first, and that’s fine. Each boundary you set makes the next one easier.
The Uncomfortable Truth About Teaching Moments
Here’s what nobody wants to admit: some people will never learn how you want to be treated, no matter how clearly you teach them. They’re not failing the lesson—they’re choosing to ignore it. And that tells you everything you need to know about whether they belong in your life.
But for most people—the well-meaning ones who genuinely care about you—clear boundaries are a gift. You’re removing the guesswork. You’re telling them exactly how to have a healthy relationship with you. You’re making it easier for them to be good to you.
The research is clear: assertiveness training helps people create healthy relationships by teaching them how to implement boundaries. This isn’t about being difficult or demanding. It’s about being clear about what you need to function, to feel safe, to maintain your mental health.
You teach people how to treat you every single day—through what you accept, what you reject, what you communicate, and what you let slide. The question is whether you’re teaching them intentionally or by default. Because they’re learning either way.
So start teaching. Clearly, consistently, and without apology. Your relationships—and your sanity—will thank you.
